It’s For You
Originally posted on
I was thirteen when someone very close and dear to me was ready to give up – ready to leave behind their whole life and not wake for another day. Here we are seven years later and I remember this day vividly, like it was yesterday. It was a traumatizing and painful experience but what pains me today the most is my reaction to it. My anger and disgust towards her. How could she possibly be so selfish to leave just like that? How could she be so stupid to think that this would solve everything? How could she do this to me and everyone that loves her? Why would she even do this? Nothing made sense. Nothing.
I wish I could say that when by some miracle she made it because she was found and brought in on time, that I felt joy and relief. That my heart was filled with love and happiness and that all anger was gone. I wish I could say that I understood. I wish I could say that I ran up to her with open arms and a smile, held her hand and told her it was all going to be ok – that she had my love and support unconditionally. I wish I could say that why she did what she did made even a little bit of sense to me. But I can’t say any of that.
Most of all, I wish I could say I knew it was depression and I understood that she was sick and I could not blame her for this. But when you’re thirteen, the ignorance of your teenage years doesn’t always allow you to think about others. And all I thought about was how could she have put me through that. For years I was upset. Years. And then one day I turned around and became an advocate for mental health. Because finally, I understood.
So to all those suffering from a mental illness, this is for you.
I remember the first time I sat comfortably in my own silence.
It was a short period of silence, I must say, but even so I took breaks occasionally to escape.
The moments in between those breaks though, those exasperating moments of my own silent presence, were practically eating me alive.
See, I’m always all over the place. On average, I get about three or four hours of sleep a night (if I’m lucky). No need to mention how unhealthy that is – I’m fully aware. In fact I have a deep concern that my body may physically give up on me and simply collapse but until that is to happen, the chaotic habits would continue.
Light it up Blue
Growing up, kids with special needs of any sort weirded me out. They seemed strange to me; different. Sometimes even scary.
But when I was ten, that changed. I saw kids with special needs in a whole new light.
They say that you can’t criticize something until you understand it. And you usually don’t understand things until it becomes personal. And that is what it was for me.
Of course, it’s easy to read about autism and sympathize, think you understand it, and spread awareness. Especially on days like today (technically yesterday), where there’s an autism awareness day, people “lighting it up blue” – it’s quick to jump to the thought that you may understand what it’s like.
I write. A lot of the things I write are silly stories a five year old could put together and yet, I write. It puts me in my happy place. Even if I am outraged about what I’m writing, it makes me happy. It empties my constantly filled mind that prevents me from sleeping at night due to endless thoughts. These endless thoughts frustrate me so I yell ‘shut up’ endlessly and then I can’t sleep due to the fact that all I hear in my head is the phrase ‘shut up’ and countless variations of it. Before you read on, I’d like to forewarn you that I ramble a lot and plenty of the things I say only make sense in my head most of the time.